What he means to me.

I recently read a blog that had a beautifully written letter from a husband to his wife. He detailed all the wonderful things about her, and the many reasons why he loved her. I was so moved by his letter, but the most moving part was the sadness behind it. He waited until she passed away to write his letter. He read it at her funeral. He stated that even though she was sick, he thought he had more time. His poor sweet wife heard his letter, but from heaven. She never got to hear him read those words to her in the flesh. I know he will be forever regretful of that error in judgement. I chose a different fate. This is my letter to my husband, my life partner, my best friend. Long after we are both gone, our children will have this reminder of just what he meant to me.
Dear Zachary,
Since meeting you 10 years ago, I've been different. Not the kind of different that keeps me from knowing myself, but the kind of different that makes me my best me. I had never and have still never met someone as special as you. You have this uncanny ability to make everyone in the room feel like they are the most special person in the world. But, somehow, you make me feel that way all day, even when you aren't around. I always joke how you are everyone's favorite, but the truth is that you are; it's no joke. You are our son's hero. His safe place. His best bud. What you have given me by being that for him is more than I can ever express to you in words. Tears come to my eyes when I think back on all these years, and how better our lives are because of your influence. I wake up everyday happy knowing that you've chosen me to spend your life with.

I'm pregnant with our first little girl. I'm giving you one of the best gifts you'll ever receive. That fills my heart with more happiness than it's ever had. I can't wait to see the look on your face when you lay eyes on that sweet baby. It's a sight that I know I'll never forget. I've been one happy pregnant lady seeing your face light up everytime you see my belly and all it's grandure. I never knew a man could be so excited by all things that come with the changing body, and the many facets of pregnancy. It truly has been a blessing being able to see such joy and excitement I've been able to bring you these last 6 months.

Professionally, you've been able to achieve what few do. But, being a doctor is not what makes me most proud of you; although, that's a huge accomplishment! I'm most proud of your commitment and dedication. I've witnessed first hand just how hard this journey has been for you. You started as a fire fighter, and ended with a medical degree. You've taken on considerable debt and lost much sleep to follow your dream. You've sacrificed many evenings with friends and many holidays with family. You've set an example for our children that hard work does pay off, and that great things are worth fighting for. What a great gift you've given them. See...the gifts you give are never ending!

I love you so much and would do anything for you. I'm spoiled by you, and in turn hope I show you daily just how much you mean to me. I consider ours to be kindred spirits. Regardless of how silly it sounds, you are my soul mate. YOU are the best part of every single day. I'm blessed, we're blessed. Thank you for being you, because you are perfect for me. No matter what our future holds, it won't lessen the joy you've brought to my life. I see us as old souls who go on this crazy life journey together making each other laugh, and pushing each other to be better. Love isn't a big enough word, my sweet carrot.
Forever yours, Pea

Karate! Oh boy!

About 6 weeks ago, we started Andrew in Karate. To say he loves it is an understatement! He absolutely could not be more excited! The smile on his face dosn't leave for the hour he is there, and extends into the evening. He has changed since beginning this new endeavor. I find it hard to believe, but he is more attentive, more polite, etc. He uses his manners without the constant reminders, and he is more easy going with the frustration of 1st grade homework. I am not sure who is more excited about this change: him or me! I highly recommend this for the stubborn head strong babes who need some stern discipline from an adult they respect, other than mom or dad. I also highly recommend karate for the shy and timid babes out there who need to come out of their shells a bit, and be more assertive and outgoing. I'm so proud of my sweet karate chopping, hi ya'ing, baby boy. Can't wait to see him progress through the belts, and gain even more confidence!

Stay with me, as I attempt to get serious

For my professional life, I spend my days as an Oncology nurse at a university hospital. To say that I am an oncology nurse is a bit misleading, though. Since I've been pregnant or trying to be for the entire year I've had this job, I've never actually administered the chemotherapy agents. I'm chemo certified, but stay clear of the stuff for the time being. So, I don't give the chemo, but I work on the floor, and care for the cancer patients who aren't actually getting chemo that admission, as well as, the average,(and sometimes not so average) med/surg patients. Being on this particular floor, with this population of patients is especially hard. There is a lot of sadness, bad news, new diagnosis, painful chemo/cancer, and death.
Most recently we lost a patient who was a very young new wife, and mother. She had a very rare cancer that didn't arise due to lifestyle choices. She didn't deserve this. No one deserves cancer, but this young woman had just started her life. Her baby is at that critical stage where she wants no one but her mommy. Yet, now, just 7.5 months after her diagnosis, she is gone. In a far better place no doubt, and without pain, but gone.
We, as nurses, are left to keep going. Keep picking up our heads and stay positive for the next patient that needs our support. I have been unable to get this particular patient off my mind for a few mo now. I had never even laid eyes on her...I didn't have to. I knew when I looked into her face and the face of her husband, that I'd see me. She is me. Why is she in this awful place, and I'm not. Luck? Chance? There are always going to be more questions than answers. I have a strong belief that God is in charge of our lives, and I don't need all the answers. I just need to have faith that these things are part of this physical life, and eternity will be spent with my maker.
I was asked by the hospital's chaplin how I cope with such loss. I was not expecting that question, so my answer shocked even me. I told her the most honest thing I could think of to make sense of these tragedies. Here's what I said in a nutshell: 'I know that my worrying and stressing over this happening to me or my family is not going to change the outcome. If someone is meant to leave this life early or tragically, then they will. Period. God is in charge, not me. What I can do is pray for these people and their families, and choose to let it postively affect my life. Since I had that talk, I've been doing some soul searching about just how I will let it affect me. I have the choice to live each day as it were my last. I have the choice to worry about the important things and not the superficial or meaningless things. I will kiss my husband longer, I will hugs my kids tighter, and I will tell those who I love just how much they mean to me. I will chose to be closer to God, and walk in a way that would make Him proud of me.
There is a bright side to death. We have the option to see it, or ignore it. I chose to use this tragedy as a tribute to my own life and to that of my patient's life. I will make the absolute most of mine. I will get off the couch and on the floor with my son even when I don't feel like it. I will turn off the tv at night to visit with my husband. I will take more pictures and write more love letters to my children. I hope I can be a positive example of living life to the fullest, and sucking the marrow out of life everyday.

Baby girl is a growin'

So, it always seems so silly to post updates with pictures, since everyone I know who reads the blog, also happens to be a friend on FB, but none the less, I'm gonna do it just in case! I am currently 23w5d preggo with baby #2, a sweet little girl. I have a few pics the hubby took of me, but the real maternity shots come in a few days! Can't wait..strangely enough, the man of the house was more interested in getting pics done than I was! I'm not looking forward to seeing myself blown up more than I already am, but I'll be glad I did them one day when I'm skinny again! I gained 6 lbs this week...guess I should keep my hand out of my son't candy box!!

19 weeks 2 days

21 weeks

Oh, and I chopped off 12 inches of hair!! How's that for ragin' pregnancy hormones?! I am loving the quicker blow dry, plus my man is a short hair kinda guy, so he's happy!
WIN-WIN!